NOT a repeat of last night (aka idiotic fighting episode #780)

Last night when my man came home from work, we instantly started fighting over the most insignificant thing: He walked in the door and I was on my phone reading an email and i was engaged so i didn’t look up at him. (Mind you we had just hung up a minute ago from him telling me he was close to home.) He, being at work 8 hours and I, had the day off by the pool; he was a grouch, i was relaxed. He got so angry he went into the bedroom and lay face down on the bed sulking. When i walked in, he verbally informed me of how rude i was. I commented that he had just rushed me off the phone because he “had to pull in the driveway, gotta go, love u, bye” and I felt no need to hastily welcome his ass lol (this exaggerated the flame under him…).

This went on and became a disrespectful argument that resulted in us BOTH leaving in our cars, locking each other out and me napping after crying while he played video games….

Seriously? How dramatic. 2 hours later we went out for dinner, drinks and ice cream and all was good in the hood…. really, we both know it was stubborn and unnecessary, but when you are tired from working a shitty meaningless job all day indoors, just like any animal; you are a little mad from being caged.

TONIGHT will be different. I am totally running late due to HAVING to write (lol)- but I am jumping in the shower nowish so I will be ready to go to the 7:35 movie TED (pic below) with him. I also went to the grocery store and got

TED- can’t wait to go see tonight with my love. And I especially love Mark Whalberg

all the fixings (southern for ingredients, but also used to mean planning, such as; “I’m fixing to go to the bar tonight”) for a Monte Cristo sandwiches. (Recipe I’m fixing to make here: http://www.pauladeen.com/recipes/recipe_view/turkey_cranberry_monte_cristo/# )

So I think when he comes home I will be there to give him a kiss while cooking the sandwiches and looking ready for the night… so lets hope my fantasy comes true….to NOT have a repeat of last night aka idiotic couples fight.

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SomEtimEs LovE JuSt IS…

I wrote this years ago, but I just found it in a stack of papers and thought I would give it a chance and publish it ::

    As if falling in love could be based on time, like months or years…

To me, the truth lies among moments and memories. Romeo and Juliet didn’t consider time to be a factor of their love; it seems to have been based on Universal Fate: The conjoined intense feeling they had the exact moment their eyes met, crossing glances of knowing that they were holding each others’ souls with just their gaze. The two famed lovers did not have time, if anything, behind their love… But there was a limitless connection made… A level perfectly aligned for no one else but them. They were placed there, by the universe, and had no control over the fate of meeting their soul mate. This shared ecosystem is something only the pair themselves could describe because true love between two individuals is known specifically by the couple involved; if the feelings could be taken out of abstract form and made into hard copy, but then it would not be love, it would be lost…

   The best thing about falling in love is experiencing things with a complimentary partner who feels the same going through life’s motions as you do. This is true because the bond formed by being together and sharing the same emotion for each other is love. It may not take you any time to be in love, if the universe gives you the gift of finding that other half who makes you whole.

❤ Good Luck ❤  

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Love this song and artist

Novacane – Frank Ocean

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You Choose

:: THIS is the story of my dysfunctional relationship for the past three years… with my boyfriend/ and his BM (AKA Baby Mama)::

Three years ago, I met a guy with a cute smile who worked at the bank I went to. I’m a flirty girl, and I was a bartender at the time, so I invited him to check out the bar I worked at. (In that “profession” you really have to sell yourself if you want to make tips$$). One night the teller came into the pub and I’ll never forget how adorable he was as we discussed the jagerbomb shot (jager and red bull). I had no idea he was only 21(I was 23) and had no experience with alcohol. It seems so long ago, even though I’m only 26 now.

He caught my attention with his smile, his intelligent conversation and mysterious demeanor. He also shared a NORML ( http://norml.org/ ) lifestyle and that is the reason why we hung out that night he came to my bar, in my car; alone together. He was very attractive to me and I was intrigued. He tells me he likes music a lot and he has a son. I didn’t think much about this because I was really just looking at how sexy he was; not a life together. As a bartender, I had many admirers; this one just happened to be somebody I looked back at.

Gradually, we started small-talk emailing each other and he even signed up for facebook to see and talk to me. Before I knew it; I told him I could see us being together; but in another life or time. He told me we could be together…. now…. That day I went to the bank to make my third deposit of the week (to see him, of course) and he told me to follow him. (This was on the lunch break from our day jobs). We went to a local park and started walking and talking. Instantly this became our regular afternoon together. We were by no means dating at this point, just flirting and I still hadn’t found out the “exciting” part of my new friend’s life… He was still living with, and in the process of, breaking up with his son’s mother.

Shocking news, kind of made me sad for him because of the stories he told me (she no longer said she loved him or kissed him and always yelled at him). One day we were walking and he tells me the prior night she told him to get out of the car and he had to walk home and then they broke up. That was March 2009. I’m thinking, oh poor guy, he’s still cute; i’m playing the innocent friend roll. Then one night he emails me ” RYDTF? ” I have no idea what this means so on the next afternoon walk, I say to him, “What does “R-you-down-to-f***…. … … … …ohhhhhhhhhhhh!!!” It made my blood pump… Needless to say, we went on to have a few months of sexual tension because the question was {kind of} taken as a joke, by me. I mean, he was STILL living with another woman {my thoughts}. They weren’t even together anymore {his side of the story, as it unfolds}. Eventually, after two months of what my mother would call “heavy petting,” aka making out, and me waiting for his ex to move out, we did end up having sex.

It was a highly anticipated temptation and we took full advantage of it. From there on, and maybe a little before that, I was in love. I felt like WE were in love actually, which is a really fulfilling feeling. That was the middle of May.

At the same time as this unfolding, he is still living with his “ex” because she won’t move out….supposedly, even though they were broken up… Three months of sneaking around, and not having a real boyfriend, can really make a girl crazy. I made a pact with my friends that by September I would rip myself away from this “perfect amazing guy”, if his “ex” hadn’t moved out yet. I have no clue if I would have been able to do it because I really really loved this guy and felt like I wasn’t even giving him a chance, but at the same time, I had given him so much time (6 months!)

She moved out right before my deadline and then IT began. Our abnormal f*cked up life together. Us, We were perfect. We are made for each other; but SHE was made to destroy us. She was convinced (and still is, 3 years later) that I am the reason why they broke up. She even climbed through our window one afternoon while we were napping screaming out trying to find me (as I hid under the bed), “where is the cunt!” Then she punched my boyfriend in the mouth and left.

Ever since that Jerry Springer episode, my self-appointed white trash nemesis has been on revenge rampage mode. I don’t know what it is about women (and I am one!) that makes us feel the need to control EVERYTHING. I never knew what I was about to encounter for the next three years. This woman has tortured us and used her child as a pawn to control my boyfriend. Her scorned soul has tried innumerable times to ruin anything she can; such as holidays when we see his son for 1 hour, birthday parties where my boyfriend is only allowed to go by himself and feel ostracized for wanting to be a good dad, pick-ups of his son are always on her terms. She even went so far as to go to one of my jobs and ask if I worked there then told my co-worker I should be fired because I’m a thief! The roller coaster ride of hell never ends. She tells mutual friends that her and my boyfriend are still sleeping together and that she is going to kill me if she sees me and she knows when I’m home alone. This is almost constant for the whole year two into our relationship.

First of all let me start by saying not only have I never met or tried to meet this woman, well girl,  since she is 22, but I have also never done a damn thing “back” to her. Throughout the incessant ranting and games she plays, I am over here taking very good care of her son when we have our one day a week 3 hour visits (because he gets picked up after work and goes to sleep by 9pm). I have purchased his whole bedroom set, helped him learn how to tie his shoes, taken him hiking and to the park; essentially forming a healthy and happy relationship with my boyfriends son. I know that I love the man I’m with and I choose to be with him forever. This means the extension of him, his son and his ex, will forever be in my life also. She is now pregnant again and engaged. She still does whatever she can to interfere with my life. She recently ripped the phone out of her sons hands when he asked his dad if I could come to his soccer game. She screams into the phone to my boyfriend, “if she comes I’m going to beat the shit out of her!” I decided to go anyways and just so you know, she didn’t touch me. I did fear something happening, but to me, she is just a mental case. Oh yeah, her immaturity peaked when she illegally passed us (she couldn’t stand to drive behind me) on the way to the soccer game and flipped us the middle finger the whole time (with the child in the back seat).

What is a strong woman like me to do? I choose. I choose NOT to react to her hurtful rage. I choose to love the man who doesn’t deserve her cruelty. I choose to be a good person and move on… Although, to defend her, some people may say she has every right to hate me because she thinks I am the reason she and her “baby’s daddy” arn’t together anymore. To that I say, look at the facts! They broke up AND THEN we got together. Just because I knew him when she was looking for an apartment isn’t valid. I’m so sick of feeling guilty because of falling in love with someone she was trying to control.

Has anyone else gone through this?…. different perspectives welcome.

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Dry Mouth-Breathing

So I got hired…No, not in the ER as a tech. That deal never fell into play (The nurse who was supposed to get me the job never contacted me and I didn’t ever see him again because I am not a bartender anymore). After a few months of applying to many hospitals and offices online, a friend of a friend suggested I use my CNA certificate and work at this local rehab and nursing home that was hiring. Now, I really need the experience and an income, but I was hesitant. I could have been a CNA at 16 years old, but here I am, 10 years later, with my bachelor’s degree, being offered approximately $4 less than I used to make as a lifeguard; when i was 16. Upon arrival of the new job site, I realized my life was about to go from pretty awesome, to laborious hell. The shift I’m on is 3p-11p and I work on the Alzheimer’s unit. There isn’t anything as real as seeing what is kept behind closed doors. From everyday people to geniuses to your grandmother…this is what happens. This is the floor where your life becomes abased. It can be startling, but when you are doing the work, when you are listening to the words and hearing the stories; you see more than someone who “is crazy”. When I’m having a bad day, there is always someone there to cheer me up. For example, I was told, “you are like an angel,” “you are such a beautiful girl,” and “thank you so much for the hard work you are doing.” This is the beauty you must find in your everyday world.

I do have one complaint and it is quite funny. I need to learn a new technique to breathe: with my mouth and not my nose! The stench of feces is generally a part of my new environment. (As a CNA, you are doing things such as this: http://www.squidoo.com/cnathedirtytruth <—hilarious)…. Anyways, I have always been a “nose breather”, opposite of the “mouth-breather”….but the nose breathing method is undesirable so I inadvertently made the switch. Although efficient, the mouth breathing technique is uncomfortable. For starters, my mouth is constantly dry. Its as if I am chewing a dry rag. Uhhhh, gross! Secondly, it makes you feel like you are ingesting every germ around you! Anyways, I guess if that’s my biggest problem; i should be thankful!

Now: off to work!

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Corpse Pose

While doing the cool down part of yoga this afternoon I learned a new pose; Corpse Pose. It is intended to fully relax the body lying on your back, all your weight rested on the ground. You are not supposed to have any thoughts or ideas going on in your head; you are assuming the role of a dead man. Lying there on my floor, I did, for once, feel like I had an empty skull. Even before bed, when most normal people are relaxing, I’m debating what chores I need to do the next day or how much money I have in my bank account. I wish it were easier to feel balanced and “away from it all” …

This pose just helped me realize how good it felt to be doing nothing…. This whole two months I have been unemployed and done with school; I haven’t felt relaxed or like myself. I have felt uncomfortable, useless and depressed. Today, I just let all that go… I was in my body, I felt what it was to be myself. I truly embraced my inner self while the corpse pose took over and I wasn’t trying to be impressive or having feelings of  doubt.

The lesson I want to share is that we are not just here to work at a job and get paid… That’s not what it’s all about. There are discoveries to be made within yourself; self actualization and being proud to be who you are because you know you stand for something. Be yourself, free yourself. It shouldn’t matter if no one ever reads what I write; if it helps me, it is worth it. If you feel beautiful, good, happy….. That’s all that matters. Respect, Love, You.

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The Waiting Game

Whenever I am bored I eat. I can be completely full and I still look in the fridge for an answer to my boredom. The reason why I am so bored is because I am currently unemployed. It seems weird for me to confess this, but i do feel rather undefined and worthless. Maybe worthless is too harsh– unneeded and unwanted fits. I wake up whenever I want to; which after a while, you just don’t want to get out of bed at all. I have been forcing myself to go to the gym everyday just to feel like i have something to do. you would think a young college grad would have opportunities falling in her lap. quite the opposite; i feel like a retired elderly woman. Everyday i have aches in my back or stomach, all i want to do is eat and sleep; hell, i even denied going out to a bar tonight (Saturday) bc i feel like i have no money and i look like shit and im too tired.

I question why I dont look fantastic since I have all the time in the world. Its strange that I used to look great, never sleep, work 40 + hours a week and go to college. Now i sleep 80 + hours a week, wear only pajamas and look at my degree sitting on my desk at home glaring back at me laughing. Laughing that i thought getting a career would be simple and that I don’t even get interviews. Laughing that I spent so long working at achieving a goal that is only surmounting to a very, very expensive document.

How can I get a job? why is it so hard? why is having your BS not good enough? I wish I had money for grad school. I have the brains to be helping a company/ organization/ hospital/ people out; to be producing results and making progress….but instead i am unhireable and slowly depreciating in self worth as i sit here aimlessly wasting my talents because the economy has ruined my future. Getting as job sucks. Time for an ice cream sandwich.

(Still waiting on my purpose …..)

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